Yesterday we talked about three possible things that could be keeping you from having the marriage that you want- a marriage that is blessed by the Lord and one that brings him pleasure. Unfortunately, researchers have identified a couple more. And with new technology and the American mentality of bigger, better and more, I'm sure there are going to be a whole new crop of 'affairs' in the years to come. Let's take a closer look at the final three.
4. Family Affair- A while back, I touched on the subject of loving your husband more than your children. And consequently, putting him before them always. Yep, you heard me right- before your children. And that is a biblical principal that most mothers do not know. Do not allow your house to become "child-centered." Your children are not idols for you to worship. "...Discipline your son and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart." Proverbs 29:17
If your children are your life, you will lose that connection with your husband. If all you have to contribute to the dinner conversation is nothing but, "Guess what Jimmy did today!" or "Sarah and I went to the park, then the zoo, then we had lunch..." he may seek excitement elsewhere.
God blessed you with children and they will bring your life joy, but they should not be the your only source of joy and contentment. Having a Christ centered marriage full of compassion, romance, spontaneity, laughter and fun will bring you insurmountable joy. And the only way to have this is to put time and effort into it. A good marriage just doesn't happen. And if you are giving all of your love and energy to your children, what is there left for your husband. You will tear down your marriage and your house if you love your children more than your husband.
5. Screen Affairs- This is the one affair I am most guilty of. If you were to get a glimpse of a regular date night with me and Southern Hubby, you would see us at dinner, and me most likely answering emails on my blackberry. I'm not a CEO of a multi billion dollar company. I'm not a doctor. My emails are not so important that I have to ignore my husband while we are trying to have a nice dinner. More than likely it's my sister asking me a question or being silly. I can talk to her later on and should be focusing on spending time with SH.
I have a major problem to this. I am a self-proclaimed blackberry addict. I can't put it down. I sleep with it on my bedside. If I forget it while running errands, I have to turn around and go back home to get it. It really is quite insane. I've decided to start asking God to help me with this addiction, which is really is. When I put my blackberry in front of a relationship with my husband, I am heading down a very dangerous and self destructive path. In fact, SH has specifically told me that I am not to be on it at nights. We have decided to set aside a "blackberry free zone" in the evenings. I will continue to work on this.
But for others, it may not be a PDA phone. It could be the Internet, or the TV. I know there are husbands that can spend hours upon hours on video games. I can't imagine the way a wife would feel knowing that her husband is making a violent or graphic video game a bigger priority than spending time with her. We all need to be aware of the amount of time we are spending in front of screens, whatever they may be on.
6. Fantasy Affairs- The affairs can include pornography or romance novels.I'm sure most of you have heard about the obsession that is Twilight. :) My little sister told me I just had to read them- they were sooo romantic. So, I borrowed hers and read the first two books....in a weekend. And these books are 400+ pages long. Needless to say, no hubby bonding time was had that weekend. I devoured them. They were so romantic and I loved falling into the fantasy of a love that perfect.
It wasn't long before I was comparing Southern Hubby to Edward, the fictional vampire. Edward was so passionate and romantic and his only heart's desire is to love Bella. They cannot live without each other. The love between them is just so intense- any woman would fall for Edward. And I did. And I wanted SH to be just like him. And when he wasn't, he failed in my eyes. Yes, SH, the man who makes me Easter baskets every year (this year's was filled with candles, lip gloss, magazines, my favorite candy and a gift certificate for a massage!), the man who kills scary spiders for me, the man who tucks me and brings me my vitamins each night because he wants me healthy, the man who has always opened car doors for me and plays board games with my niece had become a failure as a husband. How unfair and selfish was I being? SH is real life. Edward is fiction. And I forced myself to realize it.
And when I did, I decided that I wouldn't finish the last two books. It would be too tempting to fall back into the trap of something that wasn't real, and why make my husband feel inferior to a fictional character?! So, I stopped reading those books. I didn't see the movie. I stopped buying into the fantasy of a perfect love and came back to the reality of the love that I did have. Sure it's not a romance novel 24/7, but SH is my Edward. And he's all I need. :)
So why do we get tempted into these addictions? What makes us get drawn to something we know is leading us down an ungodly path? We can put the blame right smack on us- on the culture we live in that seduces us into believing that we deserve complete fulfillment and perfect happiness. TV commercials tell us all the time, "You can have it all!" Movies show us the sort of life we could have if we were richer, prettier and funnier. And thus, we develop an improper perception of reality. We compare our expectations and fantasies to real life.
And when we finally begin to wonder why our lives are changing for the worse, we question our reality- never our fantasies. Since extramarital affairs are considered escapes from reality, we need to look within our marriages to see what it is that we are trying to escape from.
When couples fail to grasp God's perspective on difficulties and problems, the result is isolation. And isolation leads to divorce. From there we need to start putting the focus back on God. Ask Him to tell you what you are doing wrong. Ask Him to bless you with the right answers and to lead you away from those that are trying to harm you and your relationship. Pray for strength, because it will be hard. You will need His guidance and his favor.
Putting Christ first in your marriage is the only way you can affair proof your relationship with your husband. He needs to be involved. He needs to be who you turn to when you are having problems in your marriage, not the Internet, not your children, not your job. Him. Escaping from your problems does no good, only harm. Inviting Him to actively participate in your marriage guarantees that you, as a couple, will be blessed with a real and true love story better than any romance novel on shelves today! And that's a promise! :)
Here's to having happy affair-proof marriages!
xoxo Y
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